WHAT THEY DON'T TEACH YOU AT BANDLEADER SCHOOL

by BOB JANUARY

[Note to the reader]: The valuable information which appears below has been added one paragraph at a time, mostly as a form of self therepy, without regard to the flow or the sense which can be made, or might be made, or could possibly be made, in the best of all possible worlds, that is, of the total document. I'll edit it someday, so that it makes sense. Meanwhile, read it at your own risk!]


I received an e-mail message from an admirer: "I envy you. You seem to have lived the life that I once dreamed of living". I realized that she was referring only to the great moments - leading the band at the Rainbow Room, from where I've looked down forty stories to see the top of the United Nations, and the magnificent bridges crossing the East River into Manhattan; and that she was thinking how interesting it would be to actually meet Miles Davis, Stan Getz, Stan Kenton, Ray Charles, Kurt Masur, Michael Tilson Thomas, Harry James, and Eubie Blake, and to play on the same bandstand with Charlie Mingus, Dizzie Gillespie, Don Ellis, and Dustin Hoffman (not all at the same time).

And actually (at least) see the Dalai Lama, Hulk Hogan, Duke Ellington and Nureyev. (not all at the same time) I am not one to whine about the price that four divorces, five hernias, years of child custody battles, dental problems, innumerable visits to the therapist, and betrayals by personal managers (BL: are you reading this?) can take on one's body and psyche. But, if my admirer acknowledged the pain of the less glorious moments, I wonder, would she then say, that the few moments of good stuff was worth the years of hard work, practice, groveling, cajoling, pleading, and rejection?

Not that it was much fun, always, but, if I had not done with my life what I have, then I would truly know the meaning of

These musicians' jokes have truth in them:
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.
What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road,
and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says"Domino's Pizza"
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take theDomino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of shit?
The sack.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.
What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.
What's the difference between an opera conductor and a baby?
A baby sucks its fingers.
Did you notice that there is a different flavor - a different point of view - expressed in the jokes about the trombone player and the jokes about the conductor?

I do not intend to denigrate trombone players in particular, even though many people find it difficult to trust a person whose instrument changes shape as he plays it. However, in this display of mentoring, I am speaking to all you young, impressionable wanna-be bandleaders out there, and I feel compelled to urge all who have arrived at this cyber-place to fully assess the situation as it is - and not as you would want it to be.

The question is: "Have you ever noticed that there are categories of musician jokes?."

Please notice that there is a clear distinction between jokes told about musicians (especially non-glamorous instruments') and jokes told about conductors. There is a reason for this: (guess what it is).

I have read every book I can find about the lives of bandleaders of all eras and styles, including the terribly written and totally self-serving books by Peter Duchin.
And the really good book CRAZY RHYTHM by Leonard Garment (Nixon's attorney), who played in the Henry Jerome band alongside Alan Greenspan (of whom it can be said is the hippest head ever of the Federal Reserve Bank). Al Haig played at the Garment's wedding.

I have searched the web for words of wisdom on the home pages of Kurt Masur, Skitch Henderson, and other superstars of the orchestral world, and have come up emtpy headed. Since you, dear reader, have stumbled onto this cyberplace, in search of KNOWLEGE, here is my contribution to the universe's sum total of mis-information about the art and craft and life of conducting musicians while they make music.

In addition to the many disgusting experiences which are a part of the bandleader's life, there are a few plusses. The plusses, however, cannot be part of this warning message, and cannot be the reason why a person should decide to be a bandleader. Therefore, I have written them down HERE, solely for my own remembrences.
WARNING!! Do not access the previous link! The life of a bandleader is NOT like it appears in the previous link.

WHAT ARE BASIC REQUIREMENTS FOR BEING A BANDLEADER??

The most important thing they forget to tell you in bandleader school, is that maybe you shouldn't be a bandleader.

This has nothing to do with the thought-to-be-related question of whether you should be a musician. Or whether you should be a music teacher, and encourage innocent children with even less talent than yours to share your dream and ruin their lives. When I decided at the age of thirteen or so, what I was going to do with the rest of my life, I didn't consider the wisdom of becoming a musician, or of becoming a teacher, or of not becoming a musician or teacher, and certainly not of becoming a bandleader. I was only thirteen, so what did I know.

The reason that I did not consider whether I was emotionally suited to be a teacher, or whether I had enough talent and resistance to adversity to become a musician, or whether I had the business sense to become a bandleader was that I wanted an easy way through life, and I really liked being the best musician in my high school band.

Last week, I told Lorin, my therapist, that I always wanted to be a bandleader when I grew up. Lorin told me I that it was unrealistic to believe that I could have it both ways.

If you, reading the previous paragraph, did not realize that you were reading a joke - one which contains a truth - then you should read no more on these pages.Press the GO BACK button on your web browser, and do a search for GOVERNMENT EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES. The reality of this world is that there are far more perceptive and talented people out there being musicians than you are, or that (even) I could conceive of when I was in high school. You must be on the bandstand with a really fine musician, such as Charlie Mingus or Al Haig, in order to understand how vast is the gulf between mortal men such as us (you and I), and the truly fine musicians. I believe that you (one) can experience this best while playing jazz, one-to-one.

Only when you are on the band stand with Charlie Mingus, or Al Haig, or a really fine musician, and playing your best, and someone like Danny Richmond is playing all sorts of notes behind your solo, repeating your ideas in retrograde, with humor, before you have even finished stating them, will you understand that there are some musicians with which you are simply not in the same league.

My friend (although he is a tuba player), Lou Waldeck, was a baseball catcher in his youth, but after seeing Roy Campanella make a throw to third base, he gave up his early first love (baseball) to become semi-known with the New York City Opera, Miles Davis, and as an International Musicians Union business rep.

I personally stopped playing for two years twice - the first, when I had tuned a piano for Johnny Guarneiri to play at a recording session. I stayed for the session, and listened.

I already knew most of the musicians - Wild Bill Davidson, Cutty Cuttshall, Carman Mastren, Al Klink. But the album they were making consisted of the least interesting, unmusical dregs of tin pan alley selected by an untalented would-be recording star. I thought to myself "After you practice and finally acquire the skills to become 'successful' in the music business, if this is what you must do in order to survive, I'd rather tune pianos".

Even my friend, Al Haig, found it necessary to produce an album, with Bobby Hackett on cornet, and his landlord singing out-of-tune love songs. Sometimes, I am so ashamed of the unmusical musical demands I make of my musicians, that I say to my vocalist, Roy Bailey "Roy, I feel like a whore". And Roy replies, "Bob, even whores have to eat".

SO WHY DO IT AT ALL?

There is a ton of things to learn from music:
The importance of timing, and being in tune with each other (in several senses).
What goes up must come down (in several senses)
Some notes and timbres(and people) are good together. Others aren't.
We all play together, to make good sounds.
etc., etc. -- hey, it's 6:02 AM, and this list is not the final word. e-mail me some more items, and I'll put them up here. The point is - that being an artist or bandleader is not what's important. (Notice the use of the word 'or' instead of 'and' in the previous sentence.)
You should be teaching and learning about life, reality, beauty, humantity - those sorts of things.
Or, learning and teaching.
This paragraph should be vastly expanded!!!

Rocking the Boat

It is easy to go through life, and never rock the boat.

Listen to what your mother tells you. And your doctor. And your lawyer. And your Manager. And your boss. And your wife. And your pastor. And your therapist. And your elected officials.

Then, accept your pension, and spent it in accordance with the information you receive from the television. Or your guru. Or your wife. Or your pastor. Or your therapist. Or your doctor. Or your elected officials.


A thought for those who complain about Music Notation Software

There once was a time when composers wrote their music by hand - on paper, onto which they first drew the staves. Then they used a hammer to strike the dies which made an impression onto the copper plates from which they then printed the music.
JS Bach eventually went blind engraving his music this way.
So, I'm certain he was careful to write only those notes which would not turn his stomach before he actually put ink on the plates.
It may seem radical to some of us, to consider that we, like the composers which preceded us, might be under an obligation to our potential listeners to be really careful of what we inflict upon them, and perhaps, to consider that, perhaps, when we encounter the occasional computer glitch, it is really the Great Music Spirit that is communicating with us - telling us to be more vigilant in our selection of notes - asking us to consider whether this music is really worth the listening.

MUSIC STANDS

On my other pages, you will see photos of my band stands. My music stands (or band fronts) are called (I think) Porta-desk or Porta-stand, and are available on special order only [since the demise of the big band era] from the large music houses (probably manufactured by Humes and Berg).

I believe that they cost about $30 each.

They are made of formed masonite and have a hole in the middle of the desk portion so that stand lights' cord can go through the desk with out being seen.

They come in three sizes (heights) - regular, bass player, and standing trumpet players.

They are white when they come, with three red slashes in the lower left, and in the upper right corners.

I roughed up the surface with sandpaper, and then sprayed them with black paint from a spray can, while laying them oputside, on newspapers, so the surface is flat.

Just before the paint dried, I sprinkled the fronts with silver flake powder, so there is a bit of glisten and sparkle on the front.

I was careful not to sprinkle the very center, because the letters (the BJ) goes there. The back and the sides of the stand are also sprayed black, since sometimes the cameras (ha!) are to the rear. Also, it makes the music easier to read.

The paint keeps chipping off, both due to the lights which clip on the front of the stand, and due to taking them up and down on gigs.

The place on the front where the rivets hold the hinges for the desk portion in particular chips a lot.

I carry a large black magic marker to touch up the chips after the stands are in place on every gig.

The letters BJ are mage of silver contact paper. Thy are cut from a hand-drawn pattern, and placed evenly according to a template which we hand-made/ The three verticle stripes (on each side), of three widthes, are made of a 'chrome' roll of self-adhesive stick-ons. One is in the natural width of the chrome stick-on. The inner (wider) stripe is two pieces, in reality - the natural width plus a 1/16" sliver. The outer one is the (natural width minus a 1/16" sliver.

For a big band, you must have one of the smallsizes for each member, including the vocalist, plus two bass-player-size for the bass player, and the band leader, plus one large one for each trumpet player.

The bandleader's stand faces the front of the stage, and has a detachable shelf covering the music stand, on which the bandleader places his program, music, announcements, etc., and reads the music from the front of the stand.

You must also purchase cases for the regular music stands. (The large stands are too bulky and heavy to be transported in cases. One case for every six stands.

Buy a lot of garbage bags - the thick, heavy duty kind - but large enough to snugly cover a stand. You may have to purchase a few trial boxes of garbage bags, since they don't all work.

When you find the right size, save a box of them so you don't have to go through this again.

Cut the bags to the appropriate length for each stand. Place one garbage over each stand (open end of the garbage bag facing down), so that the fronts, or faces of each stand touch nothing but the garbage bag.

The smaller stands (which will go into the stand cases) need have a bag only on every second stand, since the bags will protect also the rear of the stand on top of it. Or said another way - each stand has a front and a back, and so does each bag. Actually, the bottoms of the bags--- If you don't understand, forget this paragraph, and place a garbage bag over each stand.

Place the stands upright against a chair or riser. Then, without moving the stands, place the case over six stands, so the case is upside down (open end down). Then, rotate (left to right) the case so that the case is standing upright (open side up). This is easy - the stands do not fall out.

The stands will now be upside down inside the case which is right side up. Put to top on the case, and you're finished.

To unpack the stands, do the above procedure EXACTLY BACKWARDS.

If you don't understand what I mean, you are not qualified to be a bandleader, anyway, so forget everything I've written, and resume your life.

The garbage bags somehow always get torn. When that happens, replace them from your stock of garbage bags. The torn bags can still be used for your regular garbage.
How to write music

Musical ideas,( musicality), are sometimes interesting to a small group of the self-proclaimed musical elite, but they have no value to most people - or even to most so-called musicians. Most music is worthless. Most of my music is worthless. Most of your music will be worthless, at least insofar as producing money. This condition is true in all artistic fields, from drum and bugle corps to punk rock groups. Especially in rap music. However, for each of these genres there are a few self-proclaimed arbiters of culture - little old ladies of all ages and sexes - who have convinced their fellow snobs to listen to their opinions about almost everything. These little old ladies are the ones who will make you or break you. In order to convince them that you are worthy of the position of MAESTRO, you must produce the illusion of creativity.

Study the pronouncements of Stockhausen, Krenek, Schoenberg, and Andy Warhol so that you can assume an attitude of creative artist, regardless of how mundane, or even non-existent your actual musical output may be. For those of us in the so-called classical field, it is especially important to provide music to your musicians which can be understood and played well at first sight; you may not get a second run-through if the first is imperfectly executed. If there is a local person who is preeminent in the category in which you would like to be known, (such as Lester Lanin among society dance band leaders), then create a new categorey in which you are the pre-eminent (or only) person, like Elton John has done lately. i.e. If you cannot be the BEST player, then be the best black - or female - or red-haired - or whatever. You know what I mean.

Identify yourself with a known quantity - as the notion of the composer evokes thoughts of Johann Bach, George Frederick Handel, Richard Wagner, Johann Strauss, John Philip Sousa, Glenn Miller, Stan Kenton, Duke Ellington, Bob January, Billy Joel, Elton John, and Chuck Berry.

The notion of the composer / conductor / bandleader evokes thoughts of, Johann Strauss, John Philip Sousa, Duke Ellington, Glenn Miller, Stan Kenton, Bob January, and Chuck Berry.

The notion of the composer / conductor / dance-bandleader evokes thoughts of, Johann Strauss, Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, Stan Kenton, Bob January, and Chuck Berry.

The notion of the society composer / conductor / dance-bandleader evokes thoughts of Johann Strauss, and Bob January.

The notion of the contemporary society composer / conductor / dance-bandleader evokes thoughts of Bob January.

Study the great artists who take bows, such as Barisnekov, Stan Kenton and Hulk Hogan. I have seen each of them take magnificent bows, after performing mediocre work. If you can join this elite group, it will prove to your musicians whom you must intimidate, as well as the non-playing opinion makers, that you are somehow 'better' than them.

Moving along to the copying/notating of parts, which must happen when there are more than a few musicians involved. After you have created the self-delusion that you have composed something worthy of listening to, or even if you are writing your piece solely for psychological reasons i.e. for the purpose of conning you little old ladies and/or intimidating your musicians, the ultimate reason for all of this is strengthening your position as bandleader, that is acquiring more power, even then, the music must be notated; that is, a part generated for each musician of the ensemble to play. Assuming you have at least a faint idea of what you want, there is, as in all things in Life, only one way to get it done. That is, do it yourself. In this instance, notating and copying the actual parts which the musicians will play.

There is a right way and a wrong way to notate music. Many books have been written about notating music. They are in the library, and advertised in musician-type magazines. They all describe the correct way to notate music, using the special paper, the special ink, and the special pen, etc., etc.. That, of course, is the wrong way to actually get your music written. The authors of all those books are into selling special inks, papers, and pens, and, in general, letting you innocents continue to believe that writing music is some complicated task. Once again, you, the novice band-leader who merely wants to extend your authority, has been misled into the labyrinth of details surrounding the way music is 'supposed' to be written.

This is a cruel and unconscienceable, calculated attempt to dissuade you from actually composing any music, having it copied, getting it played, and becoming a fully fledged bandleader. You must not listen to them. Believe in me, and I will show you the way. I was a Beta tester for Mark of the Unicorn's Professional Composer, Performer and Mosaic, until my hard drive crashed just as I was completing a major set of orchestrations. It was a devastating loss.

10/20/96 note: I once again am using the very latest versions of MOTU's Mosaic program. However, I find I am not able to actually get the work done each day which I must accomplish. I don't think its because my equipment is slow or faulty, or that I'm stupid, because neither is true. Perhaps I'm attempting to do projects which are simply too large or too complicated to do on a computer. As a future bandleader of America, you might check out Mark of the Unicorn's Web site.. (They have lots of free software for downloading). If you are already using a music notation program, you'll be amazed how much better it is with a twenty-one inch monochrome monitor. But it's still easier to write music the hard way.[NOTE: NO MORE!!. As of 10/97, improvements have been made, and now it is easier to write on the computer] I must rewrite all of the above, but isn't the history interestingg??!

However, even as I was writing and using the computer, back in 1993, I knew that I was not really happy with several aspects of any of the notation programs which were available. My reservations with computer-notated music, aside from data loss, are these: My reed musicians double on several instruments - such as the alto saxophone, clarinet, and flute; the necessary transpositions could not be done properly on the same line of music. Slurs, ties, and the stems of notes, when transposed across the center of the staff did not flip to the 'correct' side. My computer screen was too small at the time to allow for symphony-size score paper.

Even a few years ago when I was doing this, computers were slower, especially when dealing with the large computer files which my scores required (When copying from my present scores, I do not write out all the unison parts, such as flute col first violin. I merely copy them from the same master score onto two different instrument parts. This is not possible on the computer.)All of this, except the ability to take a pile of music to my mother-in-law's cottage may have been improved since the time when I was writing on my MAC. If anyone knows about this, please send me an e-mail. The materials you will need to actually notate the music, are: music paper, pens, ink, rubber cement, a scissors, and stick-on paper labels.


PAPER
I use an Mac computer, Pagemaker, MS Word, and Aldus Freehand, a laser printer and rubber cement to create the paper on which I write my music. Many steps are needed to produce the first copy, although I will be happy to share the design of my originals with you, if you send my a suitable envelope, and postage. The music paper which I allow the musicians have in their hands is always a photocopy of an original paper which is in my files, and never seen by anyone but myself. The reasons for this should be self evident to anyone who was ever in a band that allowed the musicians to take the music home between rehearsals of gigs.

Inevitably, a musician will forget the music, lose the music permanently, or spill coffee or water on the music. Also, it is inevitable, no matter how careful you, the copyist is, that there will be wrong notes, missing measures, mis-bowings. And after all those obvious errors are repaired, there will still be changes of opinion as to how a piece should be bowed, which cuts will be made, who should 'lay out', what will be the next tune. And on some old music parts I see messages "What are you doing after rehearsal?", "Dig the chick in the red dress.", "Bob's an asshole."

So, always use photocopies. Because the photocopy machines at my local STAPLES store handle 8 1/2" x 11", or 11" x 17" paper, I first create music paper which will become those sizes of the original 'master' paper which I will later photocopy. I do this on my Macintosh computer (I currently have three - networked together) using Aldus Freehand.

It is important to create staves of a size which can be read by musicians, and which can be notated with your size of pen. This may involve some experimentation. Over a period of years, I have reduced the number of the paper sizes which I use down to the following few designs, which fit the width of my pens (which will make the quarter-note heads with one movement of the pen). I never construct a full score.

Instead of full-score paper, I construct four-stave groups (sometimes called 'systems') of a smaller size, suitable for use with a fine Pentel Pen from STAPLES. Four of these groups of four staves fill an 11" x 17" paper, after allowing for extra space between the four systems. To make wider staves, running completely across the seventeen inch wide paper, glue three of the 8 1/2 x 11 papers side by side by side, after first cutting off the blank spaces at the edges. Then photocopy the result. To make the paper for notating the various instrument parts, first create a single staff of a convenient width (for the musician, as well as for your pen).

One blank music stave looks a lot like every other, and so, as you create your master, it is only necessary to draw one line, and then copy-paste, copy-paste, copy-paste, until you have about twenty staves on each page, with space at the top for titles and instrument names, and margins enough for pasting and taping the pages together. I'll send you a few of my master copies of music paper, if you send me a big enough (rigid) envelope and the postage to send it back to you


TITLES - LABELS
I construct the titles which appear at the top of the page with Microsoft Word, or, using whatever font seems appropriate for the title of each tune. I include a second line, in a small font, with my name. I make twenty or so copies of each title, and glue one in place at the top of the first page of each instrument's part with rubber cement. All rubber cements are the same, but their bottles are not. Get a 4 oz. can of Carter's Rubber Cement (not available at STAPLES). The can won't break and it doesn't fall over. Refill it periodically with Elmer's Rubber Cement ($1.69/4 oz), which is cheaper. Maintain a level of about an inch of cement in the can, so the brush gets covered but not over-loaded. Or, its possible to use Duco Cement, except that it's so expensive. Don't use Elmer's Glue, or any water-based glue; it wrinkles the paper.

I make instrument-name-labels with Pagemaker, using plain Helvetica Bold type, and surround each name with a rectangle. I leave space in the rectangle above each name so I can hand-number (on the final end-product photocopy which will be in each musician's 'book') each tune with a CONSECUTIVE number.

I create a single page of instrument-names for each ensemble I write for, make a bunch of photocopies, and cut the individual instrument name-labels apart, a page at a time; one for each tune. I glue these names in the upper-left-hand corner of each instrument part, to the left of the title, so that the rectangle will be the most easily seen item on he page.

After the music is notated, and the photocopies are completed, I will number them, and assemble them in a sequence which will do the programming of many often-played sequences. For instance, in my ballroom dance library, a cha-cha is often followed by a meringue, which is often followed by a slow waltz, which is followed by a fox-trot. The Star Spangled Banner and Hail to the Chief are at the beginning of the book; Sing-Sing-Sing is near the end.

Take a look at my library numbers, to see how I've got my book organized. Over a period of years, the library can be re-numbered and re-re-numbered to the point that the numbering is perfect and the entire gig is played in numerical sequence. Then, everyone in the band can tell what time of the evening it is by what tune is being played when they awaken.

Each page of instrument-name-labels is different, of course, created for different groups of instruments, depending on whether your current orchestration is for concert band, chamber orchestra, big band, or whatever. Again, over the years, I've created them all, and in each case, all the names fit on one 8 1/2" x 11" paper, ready to be cut apart and rubber-glued to the page which is under construction. Sometimes, two sets of instrument names can fit on one page. Now comes the time to write the music. It is currently beyond the scope of this web-page to give instruction either in orchestration or music notation.

There is only one book which I know of which is correct (except Chapter Two): Clinton Roemer's 'The Art of Music Copying', obtainable from ROERICK Music Company, 4046 Davana Road, Sherman Oaks, CA, 91423. Clint was the music copyist for Stan Kenton. If you can't find a copy of his book in the library, or afford to get your own, get a sheet of music of your style which has already been printed, and remember this valuable piece of advice from Clint, not found in any other book: Always end a page with a rest of several measures, so the musician can turn the page (and possibly fasten it down if it's windy) before he has to play again.

PENS
You will need three pens: a regular fountain pen (I use a Shaeffer with a distinctive stainless steel barrel) with a very broad (not three-prong) tip, a medium felt-tip pen, and a fine ball-point pen, such as a Sharpie, Pentel or Rolling Writer, all with black ink. For the fountain pen, get a bottle of Parker's Quink. After you have proven to yourself that I am telling you the best way to write music, buy three fountain pens, all identical, and do this identical operation on each one: Get a fine metal file and a sheet of fine (400?) emery paper. Find the angle at which the pen naturally meets the paper, and rub it over the file at that angle until the pen tip is reshaped for your hand; then make the very tip of the pen's writing area perfectly smooth with the emery paper.

You should have ink in the pen while you are doing this, so you can test it periodically. But don't wear your white suit. Over the years, Shaeffer Pens has sent me several replacement ink reservoirs at no charge. The tips of the pens just keep getting better and better. Begin to copy the music. Use the fountain pen for most of your work. Use the fine Pentel or Sharpie for slurs and ties. Use the felt-tip for page numbers, tempo markings, and other incidental marks. As you begin to write, usually you'll start with a G-Clef symbol. This is the place where most students quit, because it's really hard to make a good-looking G-Clef.

So, after you mess up a couple of papers, use them for practice. As in all of Life, if you keep on doing the same thing in the same way, you'll get the same results.

Read Wayne Dyer's self-actualization books. Don't make any effort. Just Do It. But, notice what the results are after each attempt. Are you getting closer to the result you want, or less so? I'll repeat this. Don't try to control the pen. Just Do It. Notice what the results are after you work on the music. Are you getting closer to the result you want? If you keep on doing the same thing, you'll get the same results. Again: Don't try to hard. Just Do It. Let if flow. Notice what the results are after each attempt. Are you getting closer to the result you want, or less so? I repeated this because it really is important. But, you say, "How do I know what are the results I want?"I answer, "Read Clint Roemer's book. Just skim it. But skim it time and time again. Each time, you'll discover some area you've missed".

Speaking of Wayne Dyer, read Scott Adams' THE DILBERT FUTURE. Only the last chapter, which is not about DILBERT, but about reality and quarks and physics.

ERRORS
As you write you'll find yourself making errors. Maybe lots of them, depending on your standards. In that case, paste over the error with a portion of the same paper you used to create the master copies, or use Avery labels (I like the ones with 21 labels, of the type I put on the ends of cassette cases), and whatever other self-stick white portions of labels you've been able to take from the edges of mailing label sheets, videotape labels, cassette labels, or whatever. Cut them up into tiny pieces, when needed to cover only a mis-dotted note. After you've finally written something legible, trim off the extra staves from the bottom of the pages. Save them to paste over the errors you'll make tomorrow.

PHOTOCOPY
Then, take your master copies down to the photocopy shop, and make friends with the person behind the counter.
Learn to be an expert at using the photocopy machine. Do the photocopying immediately, no matter how much your friends want to borrow your one master copy.

The forgoing advice may seem gratuitous, but when your friends actually want to borrow your music for the first time, you may become so giddy with glee that you forget to heed my advice.

You'll regret it.

If you have more that one piece of photo-copied paper per part, fasten them all together with ordinary masking tape. Try to fasten them together in the correct numerical sequence, and keep all the pages right-side up. It helps is you've had the foresight to label each page i.e. AL.R1.03 appears on Page 3 of the Reed 1 part of Artist's Life.

Fold the parts so that the sticky side of the masking tape is always facing into the individual join of the paper, so when you're finished, your pile of all the parts will not stick together. Now, your band members can mark on the copy they have in front of them when they find wrong notes, missing measures, and the like.
After rehearsal, it is your privilege as bandleader to look over all the instrument parts, correct the master parts and re-photocopy them, and replace the faulty parts in the music folders. File the originals in a homemade paper folder, which you construct by gluing two misprinted 11 x 17" papers so that they overlap by about 7 3/4 ". Fold your large-size originals to go into these folders, and keep them in a dry place, away from mice. There's always a chance that they will be needed for the museum! I make my masters on 8.5" x 11", or on 11" x 17" stock, which I've had printed at the local photocopy shop. These masters are exactly the size at which the printed part for the musicians will be printed, so that I can check whether the notes are large enough so that the musicians will not be able to reasonably pretend that the errors which they just made were due to any cause other than their abysmal incompetence. Or, when the original music is printed on the front and back of the same paper, or doesn't have a decent place for a page turn, I do the same. When I take these masters down to the photocopy shop, I sometimes request a heavier paper stock for the photocopies which I will make. A few considerations which I have which professional New York City trombonists do not have: Since a 'book' of charts should not be of mixed sizes, over the years I have converted all the old stocks, and the large Billy Byers charts, and the Kalmus orchestral pieces, and the Original Manuscript Series, and the larger manuscripts all to fit on 8.5" x 11 or 11" x 17" paper. Most charts are not exactly crafted to my idiosyncrasies, anyway, so I would do a bit of recopying, and customizing anyway. I sometimes make a photocopy of an old chart, and then write rehearsal numbers and legible D.S. signs on the photocopies, and then use those photocopies as the masters from which I will photocopy parts for the musicians, Before I completely rearrange, re-voice, and recopy a chart, I usually try it out in context. Sometimes a good-looking chart just sounds bad, or just doesn't work. Or, something happens that I just didn't foresee, like the time one of my former 'male' vocalists couldn't sound serious on a stock of "To All the Girls I've Loved Before'. Or there is the possibility of a serious orchestral rebellion when I sing "Goofus". Or, sometimes there are just too many notes. Also, the music stands which I provide for the musicians are the old big band fold-up type which allow the music to lay more nearly horizontal than the stand used by professional New York City pit musicians. Of course, this makes the violinists bend forward uncomfortably, and the trombone's spit valve does some damage, but, on balance, it is better for the orchestra to be seen than to sound good. A third consideration: A few hundred thin papers is thinner and lighter than the same number of thick papers, and will fit into the music folders, and the folders will fit into the case, and the case will be lighter. Fourth: If the paper is too thin, the tunes which stick out of the book will be bent, and lead to more edges sticking out of the book and becoming bent. Pieces of music will then slide off the stand and be subjected to still more damage from the various spit valves. This is especially true of the trombone book. Since each of us, each in his own way (are there any ladies out there?? or, even - females), are probably taking our 8 1/2 x 11 Laserwriter output down the hill to STAPLES ([note to Australia:] an American-based chain of business supply stores, where self-serve 11" x 17" photocopies are available for $.05 each), and printing 11 x 17 papers for the actual musicians, and since computers, cars, photocopiers, pens, rubber cement and musicians are all so much better than they were ten years ago, WHAT ABOUT using each in the following manner: A pen to write, or a computer and bottle of rubber cement to print-and-glue (by hand, so to speak) little printed messages to the musicians, similar to the messages they leave on the printed music when we get it returned? These messages will be affixed to the paper, and, although it is our dream to instantly have our musical inspirations transformed to single pieces of paper, that reality does not yet exist. I always try to add the personal touch of a handwritten note to the musicians - especially for the rare occasions in which my music is played more than once, when I can re-phrase any comments the musician may have written on the music she has played. Before an eightbarlong note, I can write "inhale". Or I can correct the length of the note. Other errors of notation or human impossibility of performance which still seem to creep into my output may be corrected; my mis-string-bowings may be made more executable, and the trumpet parts may be notated 'play two octaves lower'. I encourage all to write notes on the photocopies - the only music to which the musicians have access. After a performance or rehearsal, I have my librarian gather the music, remove the chewing gum, dry it out and iron it, and put it back in order. Then I order on of my staff of copyists to gather the written comments which have accumulated and to copy them back to the masters from which my librarians have printed the parts, and instruct them to make another photocopy of each corrected (or otherwise unusable) part from the master. One of the librarians then replaces the music in the 'book' which each musician uses, and the process begins anew. This induces the musicians to believe that I care about them, or, at least, about the music. They are thereby inspired to ever more accurate renditions of my musical whimsies and inspirations, and the world is a better place.


I have had many adventures and a lot of fun during the past forty years.
A few years ago, we were called to play at the wedding of a couple I'll call 'Carlos' and "Abigail'. Leonard Bernstein did not attend the wedding, but he sent a short piece which he had written for: flute, clarinet, bass, piano, and two Chinese Gongs (in 'A' and 'C' - emblematic of the first names of the bride and groom).
Just looking at the piece, it was obvious to me that the selection was meant to be looked at, admired, and eventually framed.
However, we were asked to perform "'Carlos' and 'Abigail's' Wedding Song" as the processional.
I hired an extra flautist for the occasion; we rehearsed the tune; performed it; and eventually recorded it, but I wonder if anyone ever listened to it.
The most enjoyable event of the day was an improvised rendition of 'The Teddy Bear's Picnic' by Michael Tilson Thomas, singing and playing the piano.
Even ten years ago, Michael was well-known. Today, he conducts the San Francisco Symphony.
Awhile back, I was leading a big band at the Village Gate in Greenwich Village. One Sunday, Dustin Hoffman dropped in to celebrate his wife's birthday, along with a few hundred of his closest friends. Dizzy Gillespie was playing that day upstairs in the jazz club, and so it happened on that day Dizzy Gillespie played trumpet- with Dustin Hoffman on piano.
Eubie Blake came into the club occasionally, and we became acquainted. He told me this Benny Goodman story, which I have never seen printed elsewhere:
"I was playing at a Benny Goodman reunion concert. They had invited me to play because I had written Benny's closing theme "Memories of You", and it was on the program. At the rehearsal, Benny stopped the music, and turned to me, gave me the glare, and said, "Those aren't the right chords".
In his later years, Henny Youngman became very forgetful. Twice, we played for him, and both times, although he read his entire act (slowly) from 3X5 cards, whenever he opened his mouth, the sounds which came out were so hilarious that everyone, band included, was rolling on the floor laughing.
Speaking of rolling on the floor, it was at the Officer's Club at Fort Hamilton that my Harry-James-look-and-sound-alike had a hernia in the middle of "You Made Me Love You", and ended the song on the floor.
And I've had a piano player literally die on the way to a gig we played at the UN.
But after twenty years of adventures and misadventures; playing for Phyliss Diller, Bobby Rydel, Famous Amos (on harmonica), Odetta, and being the 'house band' at the Rainbow Room and Roseland, musical fashions changed, and I decided to hang up my saxophone strap.
Then Kurt Masur called.
Normally, he conducts to New York Philharmonic. But he invited us to play at his favorite Chinatown restaurant for a Christmas party which he was throwing for his musicians.
What could I do but accept?
Soon the Maestro had recommended us for the New York Quadrille Ball, the Liederkranz Society, and the Steuben Day Parade Committee.
So, I picked up my saxophone again, and now with my new white bow tie and baton, I am trying to age gracefully into my new career as the musical director of the New York Strauss Festival Orchestra.
If you'd like to talk, phone me at 1 800 SAXOPHONE.
(By a strange coincidence, this is the same phone number as 1 800 PAWNSHOP)

If you've read this far, maybe you're interested in this:
HOW TO MAKE A SCORE PAGE USING MOSAIC -
the music notation software for Macintosh - available in a free download from motu.com. The downloadable version is slow, but will demonstrate what is possible on computers these days. The pay-for-it version is a lot better.

Long ago, I transferred all my stock orchestrations, and all the orchestral-sized music I might need to 8 1/2 x 11 or to 11 x 17 sized paper, even if this meant re-copying (by hand, at the time).

I printed 11x17 blank manuscript paper for this purpose.

Now, in 1997, I use Mosaic, by Mark of the Unicorn and my HP laser printer output to produce 8 1/2 x 11 pages which are then taped together (if a single part is more than a single page) to produce 11x17 'master copies', which I then take to the local STAPLES (office supply) store, and then I photocopy the 11 x 17 music parts which my individual musicians will use.

[A free (though very slow) Mac version of Mosaic is downloadable from the Mark of the Unicorn website.]

I always use 11 x 17 paper if a single instrumental part uses more than one page, to minimize the stickiness and bulk of the extra piece of masking tape used to stick the separate pieces of paper together (which, of course is necessary if the title page is facing the musician, which, is necessary if each musician is to play the music without fumbling around, which is necessary to keep the customers satisfied). (etc.)

If you lead a band, and have ever [lost - misplaced - left behind at a gig - had a musician borrow for practice and then die and have a grieving widow who cannot deal with returning your] a collection of your music, you know why I NEVER allow musicians to see (or even know that I have a backup) the original masters. (Sidemen can't figure these things out.)

However, it is easy, fun, and profitable to produce the photo-copies on 11x17 paper, and makes for a smaller cache of 'original masters' if the masters are, themselves, printed on an 8 1/2 x 11 paper which can be enlarged in the process of photo-copying onto 11 x 17 paper.

Although our good friends at MOTU have not yet implemented the ability to print 2-up in adjacent columns (similar to flowing text into PAGEMAKER columns) of music for enlarging via the following process, it IS easy to produce fine-looking scores (running straight across an 11 x 17 page) which are enlarged in the photo-copying stage from our home-style 8 1/2 laser writers onto 11 x 17 paper.

Here's how:

Set your MOSAIC page layout setup to:
paper size: 11 x 8.5 inches (not 8.5 x 11)
top and bottom margins: 1.1423 inches
left and right margins: 0.4305 inches. (If your printer has a smaller printable area, tweak this number)
Use 14 point staves (or 12 or 13).
(This views nicely at 120% on my large monitor).
Insert your text place-holders (title, page number, etc.) and staves to look good within these margins.
Set your MAC page setup to the panorama (not the default) position.
Print at 100%.
Take the resulting output to STAPLES, or the other photocopy shop and enlarge it onto 11 x 17 paper at 155%. (If you are not able to figure out how, ask your friendly STAPLES photo-copy center attendant for assistance.)

These photocopies are then taped together on the kitchen counter and folded sticky-side-of-tape inside the fold.

If you have a small kitchen counter or unsympathetic wife/girl-friend, use the top of your car on a calm day.

You'll love the results!

I was asked the question the question: How to count the time?

I answered: Is it to participate with a student who is not creating his own rhythm? Or to set the tempo for a group of instrumentalists? If the first, good luck. If the second, then, it's OK to count aloud in even the most professional recording situations, to set the tempo, the groove, and the character of the impending performance. Although Kurt Masur doesn't say "one-sy two-sy", he THINKS it, in tempo, just a milli-second before he conducts it. I have a few recordings in which the leader is heard to audibly count to the musicians "a-one, and a-two, and a-one, and a-two" - this in a fast four counted as if in 2/4. More to the point, when most dance-band leaders set a tempo, we FEEL the dance steps which the music is intended to accompany. (I modestly speak for all leaders of dance orchestras). Especially in live performance, when the conductor is facing away from the audience and the microphones, and cannot be heard. It it the same principle as Wayne Dwyer writes about in "You'll See It When You Believe It" i.e. "You'll hear it when you Imagine It" (with sufficient accuracy). There is a difference between the effects when various great conductors are in front of an orchestra. A freind of mine was attending an orchestra rehearsal. Suddenly, the sound of the orchestra changed. He looked around. KLEMPERER had just come into the hall. The conductor is charged with the duty to WILL the music into being, and must have a vision (audiotorily) of the sound, the tempo, the groove, etc., of the impending sounds. The groove, whether "a-one--and a-two" or a,one-and a-two" or "aONE and aTWO" or whatever, gives the musicians a clue to the groove. (In my case, the musicians are frequently sight-reading, and they need all the help they can get.) A little body english helps, too.


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